Oh Sh*t…. You Just Turned 30

Well, how the hell did that happen? One minute, you’re hangin’ out, smokin’ pot with your friends; the next minute you’re 30. It felt that sudden didn’t it? That crippling marijuana addiction isn’t feeling so cute anymore, huh? Don’t have a girlfriend? Got a shitty job? You a big fat fatty? huh, Fattyfat McFattenfat? Can’t touch your toes? Is putting on socks in the morning becoming this whole thing for you? Is that why you bought sandals, you cloven hooved disgrace? Oh no. No, no, no, you’re just a sandals guy now? I see. I hear ya’.

First of all, get a hold of yourself. There’s some things you can do…

you’re 30.


You tried, it worked pretty good, then you stopped doing it. Why? Because, you’re a cautionary tale your successful friends will tell their children, that’s why. You’re mostly used as a bad example, and maintaining healthy habits is next to impossible for you. For the love of god do something about that. Add a redemption arc to this plot line of yours before you wind up a Stephen King short story. They end bad. You’ll die miserably. It will undoubtedly include some level of sexual disrespect, if not full blown abuse. Stephen King just be like that sometimes.

Stop eating like you just broke out of fat-camp.

Guess who doesn’t get to eat bread anymore? you, you piece of shit. Knock it off with the croissants. I know you like bread, everyone likes bread. But you ate too much, and now you have the sex appeal of a manatee. Which is an endangered species. Because no one wants to have sex with a manatee, not even other manatees.

And I get it, one time I bought a bag of skittles, ate them, then went back to get 2 more bags with different flavors. I got original, sour, and tropical. I prefer tropical. Someone should have shot me in the knees for doing that.

Oh my god, you’re not polyamorous.

And that’s fine. There’s a problem with the male brain. A steady stream of sex tricks us into thinking there’s an actual stream. As in, an abundancy. There is no such stream. You are having steady intercourse, because you have a partner. If this partner of yours, suggests you two ‘open up the relationship‘, and this partner is a woman, say “no.” Because you can’t handle that shit, dog. You don’t get laid as much as women, that’s your brain lying to you.

Woman do actually have access to the stream I mentioned earlier. Some men do too if I’m being honest, but not you.

In the game of sexual encounters with strangers, your lady friend will out pace you sheerly by accident. This will upset you(because you’re not poly) and you will become bitter. She will ask you, “Why are you bitter, you said you were poly?”

And you will say, “I AM poly, and I’m bitter because this ISN’T real polyamory!”

She will ask, “What’s real polyamory?”

And you will respond, “When we have exactly the same amount of sex, and you only have sex with people who do not intimidate me!”

And your relationship will crumble from there. On the off chance you’re reading this and you really are polyamorous, hush. Just shut up for a while. Christ.

Just look at these cool, hip, gender-ambiguous, polyamorous, European type people. They treat the kinsey scale like a seesaw, you can’t keep up with that.

What are you wearing? Would a younger person consider it ‘cool’?

Then stop wearing that. Young people do not deserve your efforts, eye contact, or any level of respect. They’re all going to die in WWIII anyway, I don’t know why you bother.

Still dress nice though, just don’t dress like a goofball. Stop wearing cool baseball hats. Get yourself a lame baseball hat, wear it when it’s sunny. Button downs and polos are fine, don’t tuck it in unless someone in their 40s asks you too.

no, this is behind you now. pants come in 2 different colors, neither of which are red

Do you have the right circle of friends?

You shouldn’t have any friends at this point. You should have a wife, a lawn, and children. But none of us did that. And now our generation is riddled with depression and anxiety. These ape brains of ours have been passed down for more than 150,000 years. For the majority of that time, 30 is old enough to be a grandpa.

That’s all that is. That smoldering feeling of impending doom that you just can’t shake? That’s your ancestors screaming at you. Ignore them. things are different now. Literally nothing changed for our species for the first 147,000 years. And now things change by the decade. crazy. Anyway, your friends are abject failures that only meet the qualifications for functioning adult by technicality, and you know that. Keep a few though.