The Modern Lady’s Guide: Conflict Resolution That Doesn’t Involve Biting

Ladies, how many times have you parachuted out of an uncomfortable discussion by taking a chunk out of someone’s face? How many times have you googled ‘infection rate of human bites?’ only to slam your laptop shut because it was even higher than your victim claimed? Relationships, sexual or otherwise, are fraught with arguments and hardships. Yes, you have to win them all; but you can’t afford any more of these biting charges.

I need ‘unintelligible sobbing’ a doctor!

Your man, who needs a doctor.

How many times has your man used that line? Maybe he spoke during a movie. Or too soon after a movie. Perhaps he agreed to a hyphenated last name, but changed his mind after learning you meant your last-name twice. Whatever the reason, biting is always a solution. But these legal fees have to stop climbing.

So, you find yourself in a conflict that demands nuanced resolution. Luckily for you, I have one. Loosely adopted from the The Thomas-Kilmann Model, My Model for Conflict Resolution: Victory Through Surgical Attacks & Treachery.

Nowhere in my model will you find any methods relating to biting, or the threat of biting. Your ability to maul people with different opinions is a coup de grâce you’ll always have. Instead, you’ll learn five new approaches to lashing out at those who oppose you: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing, and collaborating.

Call off your dogs, I said ‘Loosely adopted’. This is legal.

All five conflict resolution strategies are laid out below. Each with a different balance of assertiveness and deceitfulness, to accommodate the widest possible net of application.

Avoiding: psychological besiegement

Avoiding the conflict altogether may seem spineless, but it’s not. It’s playing the long-game. It’s laying siege to the mental castle of your opponent. Surrounding them, not with catapults or trebuchets, but with your unexplained and perpetual absence. If your conflict is with someone you live with, you have to utterly disappear from their lives. You must become a ghost in your own home. For months, maybe years, if that’s what’s needed.

Remove yourself from your shared history by gradually altering the pictures that show you both together. Pay off your enemy’s acquaintances to act confused when your name is brought up. Swap out the family pets with lookalikes, stuff like that. Ultimately, just hide from them entirely and introduce in your place, a growing pile of uncertainty.

I don’t remember buying this table and chairs set. He’ll think to himself. Like an idiot.

While this option works, it takes a lot of preparation and relies heavily on you living with the person with whom you’re resolving conflict. Your absence will go unnoticed, possibly even celebrated by some of your enemies. Keep this in mind while drawing up plans.

Accommodating: The ol’ bait-n-switch

In WWII, British captured Nazi officers were not thrown in prisons. They were catered too in stately mansions. They were given good food and wine, and had servants appointed to them. They were even given freedom to roam the grounds.

What they didn’t know, however, was that British intelligence had bugged the properties with hidden recording devices. Agents were listening in on their private conversations. Gaining the allies high valued intel that greatly benefited the war effort.

My model stresses the importance of adopting two mindsets demonstrated in the example above. The British intelligence agents. And the gossipy Nazi officers, but armed with 20/20 hindsight.

Yes, you can hide recording equipment in a day spa, and surprise your foe with a gift card to that spa. Absolutely, you should do that. But always remember your enemies can use the same techniques.

You and your dumb-ass friends, who do nothing to earn your overflowing patience, could be sipping mimosas at a brunch that’s been bugged by your adversaries. Those whores could be siphoning information right into enemy hands. They’re so goddamn easy to trick you can’t even hold them fully responsible.

So, you’ll have to build a web of lies between you and all your halfwit acquaintances (they don’t deserve you) by becoming a constant source of misinformation. After victory is seized, you can go back and explain the concept of counterintelligence to the illiterate (albeit well-intentioned) harpies you’ve surrounded yourself with. You are loved, and have earned all the praise they award you. They’ll understand your need for deception.

Just look at em’, gabbin’ away all your secrets.

Compromising: Biding your time

Some people have become so overexposed to the bloodshed of conflict resolution that they’ve lost all taste for it. They’ll happily avoid the carnage for any chance at diplomacy. Still, they may be pulling their stronger punches. Strengthened by their years of experience, years you don’t have yet.

Risking a full frontal assault may not be worth it. Instead, try finding an acceptable resolution that will partly, but not entirely, satisfy the concerns of all parties involved. Convincing your enemies that you’ve decided to lay down your arms. Thus, giving you a mid-game chance for a surprise attack.

Competing: scheduled violence

A gentlelady’s duel is only off the table to cowards. This approach comes at the cost of some elegance. But sometime’s, that’s where conflict resolution takes you. You’ve tried other paths to crushing your opponents and found them blocked. It’s time to put in a mouth-guard, and headbutt his/her face into the back of his/her skull.

Fights to the death tend not to be as sophisticated as we’d all like. But scheduled fights to the death can bring some sense of refinement. Demand a fancy dress code when you’re drafting up the Code Duello. Consider adding a string quartet for a little ambiance? Just because they’ve forced you to bring violence to the table doesn’t mean you can’t bring it on a brushed silver Neiman-Marcus serving tray.

Simply timeless…

Collaborating: The Socratic Method & Machiavellianism

All the elegance lost in the previous method can be found in this one. If you really want someone to see your side of an argument, convince them it was their idea. Plant your seeds in their mind, to sew your crops from their fields. This can be achieved by hiding your arguments within guided dialogue, or even sneakier means.

The technology used in the movie Inception is still well guarded by the global elites. And mostly just used against you, and all the people you know. Fortunately, there are other methods for planting ideas in someone’s mind.

As I explained in The Modern Lady’s Guide: Finding, Befriending, And Enslaving a CIA Operator Well-Versed In The Techniques Of MK-Ultra. A psy-ops hypnotist can be very useful. But they are extremely dangerous, and they will try to trick you.

No worries, because as the saying goes: “If you catch one in a bear trap, they’ll usually cooperate.” So make use of that resource. Brief your captured psy-ops hypnotist on the goal, and associate his/her assistance with food.