The Modern Lady’s Guide: Bringing Christmas Cheer To The Uncontacted Tribes Of The Amazon

Ladies, how many times have you googled ‘Do the uncontacted tribes of the Amazon celebrate Christmas?’ only to slam your laptop shut because no, they do not. The Department of Homeland Security and the global elites have been rejecting your passport applications, forcing you to evade capture, and challenging your passion for the holidays for far too long.

I don’t know, I think that’s called neocolonialism.

your man, who lacks Christmas spirit.

How many times has your man used that line? Even after you’ve painstakingly explained how it isn’t neocolonialism. He still wheels out that dead horse and expects you not to shoot it again.
As you know, it would only be colonial if you intended to stay there year round. Yes, that would be inappropriate. Yes, one could see how the DHS might need involve themselves, were that your intention.
Your intention, however, is simply to stop by for a few weeks; and ensure South America’s indigenous people are getting the most out of their holiday season. I think there’s already a term for that, it’s called ‘being neighborly’.


There’s no such thing as ‘too much tinsel’. This forest should appear metallic from space.

Good intentions with ‘bad optics’

Sadly, the media will accuse you of trying to force Christendom on indigenous peoples. The US media has more than likely already accused you of some things. A reader in Vermont was recently accused of choking her alderman with a dead snake while screaming “Don’t tread on deez nuts!” Which of course was exaggerated. The snake’s name was Dee Snuts and it was very much alive.
The American news conglomerates will never listen to reason, and they won’t give you a fair shake. You already know this. Don’t forfeit your dignity by submitting to international law enforcement or any interviews with the media.
You know you’re not forcing Christendom on anyone. You can only trust that your actions will speak louder than your words ever could. Have faith, and history will exonerate you. Besides, they’re just going to rehash this witch trial in April, when you fly back down there to hide all the eggs. Just try not to let it bother you.

What if the uncontacted tribes reject Christmas?

They wont, you’re fine.

Over coming the language barrier

The tribes you visited in October should still have the Nightmare Before Christmas DVDs you gave them. They’ll definitely recognize you, and I’m sure they’ll have lots of questions about the Christmas parts. Greet your old friends and pick up where you left off. ‘What this? Whats this? There’s color everywhere! Whats this? There’s white things in the air? Whats this? I can’t believe my eyes I must be dreaming, wake up, Jack, this isn’t fair! Whats this? They’ll all say in unison upon your arrival. Quit dallying and show them what this is!


If you figure out how to get rid of all that water you’ll have even more room for tinsel.

For the tribes you couldn’t find and the ones that tried to kill you, try and try again. Language is not the only form of communication you have at your disposal. Ayahuasca should allow for a parley on the spiritual plane. It’s pretty fitting really, Santa Clause origin theories are rooted in hallucinogenic mushrooms. Up the ante and bring enough DMT to share. The frail walls of modernity could never contain The Joe Rogan Podcast. They’ll know what’s up.