The Modern Lady’s Guide: to Big Game Hunting

Ladies, how many times have you googled, ‘how much money to hunt a rhinoceros?’ only to slam your laptop shut because the price is still $60,000? The global elite have been fixing the prices, booking up the safaris, and hogging all the African trophy animals for far too long.

“Just shoot another deer!”

Your man, who fears you.

How many times has your man used that line? You’ve brought down so many deer the kills have lost all flavor, and shooting a horse feels exactly the same. They’re interchangeable targets at this point. How’s a gal’ supposed to satiate her blood lust? What’s a lady to do with her .95 caliber elephant gun? Shoot some kind of sub-elephant animal?! A stray dog has not earned the hero’s death of 2,400 grain ammunition! how many times must you say this before they listen?! Well, I hear you, ladies, and I have a solution. it’s called poaching, and it’s easier than you may think.

We have plenty of these, treat yourself.

A Convincing Alibi

Sneaking into foreign countries to kill protected wildlife is illegal. More so in some places than others. Killing a panda in China can land you a death penalty. But shooting one with a harpoon gun from Mongolia, and dragging it over the Mongolian border? I’ll bet that’s far less illegal. Maybe next year. This year is about the Serengeti, and putting that elephant gun to good use.
You’re too far from Asia to rely on lax Mongolian hunting laws, so you’re going to need an alibi. They’ll ask you upon arriving, “What brings you to Tanzania?” This is a trick, you’re knee-jerk response will be to say “I’m here to shoot animals.” It’s very important you don’t say that. Prepare a little, tell them you’re a missionary, or a with the peace-corps.
If you’re feeling up to it, tell them you’re here to do something illegal that isn’t poaching. Tell them you’re here to return your mail order husband, or arson. Say “blood diamonds, uh whoops, I meant blood drive”, this will make them suspicious of other kinds of unforgivable international crime, and throw them off your trail.

So many options, what should you poach?

This is the best part about poaching, you can shoot whatever you want! The only thrill greater than shooting a giraffe, is shooting all the other giraffes who thought they escaped. You’re limited only by the amount of bullets you can carry, and your ability to out maneuver and out fox anti-poachers.

How to get the animals back home?

Whats the point of decapitating a zebra from 400 yards if you can’t keep the head? You’ll need a vessel, a captain who knows how to mind his own god damned business, and your deep-sea winch. You must remember to pack your deep-sea winch, I can’t stress that enough. If someone is borrowing your winch, purchase another. You don’t want to be stuck on a dock with a fishing net full of eviscerated animals and have nothing to tow them with. That’s exactly the kind of thing anti-poaching authorities look for.


MacGregor Deep Sea Technologies sets the standard for maritime winches.

Home sweet home

Upon your return, If you’re hunt was successful, you’ll have to contend with protesters, tHE FeDEraL GoVerNMeNT, and probably a lot of cops. A small hurdle for any lady swinging around an elephant gun. Go ahead and shoot a car in half, reduce a building to rubble, they’ll leave you alone.
Spend the money to get the animal heads and pelts properly prepared. This is no time to be cheap, you’ll want these to last. Running out of wall space inside? Mount them on the outside of the house! No one’s doing that ya lil’ trend setter, Welcome home!