Getting A Dog From The Shelter? Or a Breeder?

You can spend a little money and buy a dog from the pound. Or you can spend a lot of money and buy your dog from a breeder. Or you can make your ancestors proud, and run one down in the wild. There are still some out there, and they’re totally free.

Your friendship will be hard fought and built on respect. Forged in combat and soaked in blood from you both. This dog will learn to love you, like people in an arranged marriage. Relationships statistically proven to be stronger unions.
DIY doggy domestication is a time honored legacy that transcends race, culture, and continents. When people ask, “Did you rescue your dog?” you’ll get to hold your head up high and answer “No! I was perched on a tree branch and I lured him under me.”


hot and bothered lil’ lady

The dog you force out of the wild and into your home will not be spayed or neutered. Here’s a fun fact, dogs that aren’t spayed or neutered grow into bigger, stronger, hornier dogs. Finally, a muscular buddy for you to commiserate with! She’ll bark and howl and tear the couch in-half, because she can’t find a man either, and you’ll scream over her screams “Me too, Diane!”
Your bond will be the envy of every pet owner within earshot.


Sleep in my bed you buff oaf.

Something else to consider with your new dog, is circumcision.
Make it look like yours. I circumcised my dog because I wanted it to look like mine, and i’m not open to criticism about it. This is America. I chased my dog through amber waves of grain. I finally caught him by purple mountains majesty. And I will snip off the tip of his penis. Neither of us are European, I will not burden him by making him consider that possibility.


magnificent.

Maybe you don’t have the time or physical endurance required to chase down a wild dog. In that case you can still buy one. or ‘adopt’ one, whatever. I’ve never ‘adopted’ a child but if money passes hands at any point, for any reason, I consider that a purchase. If I have to pay a cab driver to get me to the orphanage i’m counting that.


If you opt to buy a dog, the breed doesn’t matter as long as you rescue them from a shelter; is something often said by poor people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Shelter dogs need love and poor people need companionship. I think some of my roommates are poor. Looks rough, I get it.


Or, pony up the cash and buy a designer dog. One with perfect posture and a beautiful coat. Throw in a diamond studded collar and take them out on the town.
The unwashed proletariat masses will call you bourgeoisie for spending $1000s on a dog, and rightly so, that’s far too much. By the standards of a different time and place you would be executed by guillotine. Enjoy your Yorkshire Terrier.