Traditional white people dishes are meant to inflict pain on the eater. You should feel personally attacked by each bite. That’s the whole point! Life is suffering, put crasins in macaroni and cheese to better know this truth. Most so-called ‘good foods’ only touch half the flavor spectrum. The good half. Something we all appreciate.
But how can you appreciate the good without knowing the bad?
Below, I’ve laid out a few key points to help you better understand the self-flagellation that is my culture’s cuisine. We’ll start with a prayer.
For once we were lost but now are forsaken, I brought picklebacks and turkey bacon.
Which we receive from Thy bounty.
Through Christ, our Lord. Forever and ever,
We begin, as we must, at IKEA. Go there and buy a bag of Salmiakki, an impossibly salty Nordic candy. Traditionally given out at Christmas to well-behaved children, as a reminder that God has abandoned us. Naughty children are given an equal amount, to remind the well-behaved children that life isn’t fair. And to reiterate that God has abandoned us.
Fresh fruit, soups, cakes and pies, baklava or BBQ; anything can be a vehicle for horseradish. You can buy it in most stores, but it’s just not the same. You want it home grown, prepared by an old woman who openly hates you. That’s what gives it kick. When prepared correctly, it should taste like child-hood trauma and give the eater visions of wars they didn’t even know about.
Some people say it’s a root, it’s not a root. It’s the flower bulbs of a plant that goes all the way into hell. We’ll all eat the root part later, because God sent us his only son and we killed him.
Rakfisk is a fermented trout recipe that answers the question: what happens to trout that’s been buried for 3 months in a perfect vacuum of stale air and suppressed Catholic rage?
When it’s finally unearthed the fumes should attract flies, and the flies should die upon contact. That’s how you know you made it right.
Served at funerals to remind the grieving, that as bad as things may seem, there’s always a three month window to eat the body.
We’ve tried sharing our approach to cuisine with other cultures, but it gets thrown back in our face every time. Our attempts go unappreciated and misunderstood. Behold, the bastard offspring of chicken tikka masala and poutine. Because suffering cleanses the soul. You’re welcome.
Chicken Pâté and waffles with white gravy. This was cooked, eaten, and paid for within the last decade. Reminding us all that unthinkable atrocities are not relics of the past. What a beautiful and painful lesson, you’re welcome.
Guacamole and Peas. Because nothing hurts more than betrayal from a close ally. We love you, Mexico. Please accept this gift and never leave us.
Hummus is a vegetarian dish that only calls for two ingredients, chickpeas and olive oil. But here, we see it can also be made from carrots and almond milk. How does it taste? It tastes like carrots and almond milk.
I keep some in a caulking gun and eat it as a reminder that even the simplest things are subject to corruption. How profound.
You’re welcome, the entire Middle East.